When the illusion breaks

On retraumatization, complicity, and the grief of seeing clearly (part one of the series on When the illusion breaks)

Content note: This series discusses spiritual abuse/spiritual bypassing, coercion, trauma triggers, divorce stigma, and faith crisis.

Series overview:
This series is my attempt to name what happens when a collective revelation cracks open something personal: grief, disillusionment, and the slow work of untangling what helped from what harmed. I’m writing for anyone who feels triggered and re-traumatized by recent conversations about power, abuse, and spiritual authority. If you’re in the “what now,” you aren’t alone.

I have been reading a lot of posts where, thanks to the release of the Epstein files, a lot of so-called spiritual teachers have been exposed. Now, before you say, okay, I can’t handle one more post about that person, I hear you. And I want to be clear, it’s not about that. But I do want to share about the rabbit hole it brought me down, because I suspect there are others like me, triggered and re-traumatized by a lot of the information coming out.

The worst pain came for me over revelations about Deepak Chopra, who I have never been into, but is often quoted by a lot of “spiritual” teachers I follow. I put spiritual in quotes, because I don’t know what to call them anymore. My heart is breaking right now, partially because those same teachers, whose success came from his endorsements, are not speaking out. They’re content to continue watching their bank accounts and followers grow, but not speaking the truth. Only the truth that is convenient to their brand.

And that, to me, is not a commitment to the truth, or even to helping people. So let’s call it what it is… just more of the same world they claim to be wanting to change, just with prettier packaging.

I was harmed in the church. I was harmed by “spiritual” teachers who teach spiritual bypassing. I am struggling with grief as I read more and more about the authors of books I love, who helped me so much, but are predators. And I’m trying to untangle which beliefs are true, and which are not.

Because I do think there are good things these people taught. Some of their messages helped me in my darkest times. AND, some of the things they taught also harmed me. That tension is one that I think a lot of us are going to be untangling for a while. I don’t have answers, other than to tell you that you’re not alone.

I’m waking up to my own voice, my own inner knowing, and my own relationship to a higher power. And I’m working hard to separate truth from lies, while also sitting with the idea that there’s no such thing as absolute truth, which is also not an absolute truth.

What I’m realizing is that this isn’t only about what’s being exposed “out there.” It’s about what gets exposed in us when those illusions shatter. For me, that goes all the way back to where I learned spiritual bypassing in the first place, and how it shaped my marriage, my divorce, and my sense of safety in community. That’s what I’m sharing next.

Have you felt triggered or re-traumatized lately by public revelations or conversations about power and abuse? What’s been helping you stay grounded?