I'm not okay, but I'm still showing up

What I’m learning about progress, perception, and holding on when life feels too heavy.

The healing journey is fraught with more peaks and valleys than I’ve encountered in other parts of my life.

In the same day, I go from feeling empowered—like a total rockstar—to being in the depths of despair.

It’s been a rough couple of days for me. I made the mistake of looking at social media I’d blocked for the sake of my mental well-being, and of course, I saw things that triggered me. A good reminder that when I say, “don’t look at their socials,” it’s for a reason.

For me, there’s this strong need for justice—to see those who wronged me get some level of consequence for what they’ve done. And yes, I know this is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. But it hardly seems fair to be living in a state of desolation while the people who hurt you go blithely about their lives like nothing happened. In some ways, their lives seem better. Meanwhile, you’re still barely able to get out of bed.

Yeah, I said it.
This phase of my life involves a lot of forcing myself to get out of bed because life is so freaking hard.

But you know what? I do it anyway.
And some days, I don’t. And that’s okay, too.

This is also where I want to remind people that if you’re struggling at this level—I see you. It’s okay to not be okay. And it’s okay to get help. I see a therapist weekly, and I’m working with a coach to help me move through this season while actively creating the life I want. I know I can’t do it alone. So I’m not.

Because I believe I will get to a place where I want to get out of bed every day—and I do feel good. Even though it all feels heavy and hard right now, it’s getting easier. I’m feeling better. I can’t always see it in the moment, but I am making progress.

What Evidence Are You Looking At?

On a related—but unrelated—note, I had a conversation with my boss today. I was venting about my discouragement over a particular work situation, because from where I stood, it looked like nothing I was doing was working.

He listened. Then he pulled up the actual numbers, showing me proof that my feelings of discouragement were just that—feelings. The evidence told a different story.

It got me thinking: What evidence are we seeing and looking for in our lives?

Messages From the Universe (and a Friend)

Funny timing—because I’ve started a new habit where I pull tarot cards each day to help me see what themes are showing up in my life and where I need to direct my energy. Today’s theme? Progress. That I’m not seeing things as clearly as I should be.

I’ve spent the past few days discouraged, feeling like nothing is working—and BOOM. Called out.

Then I got a text from an old friend last night. Someone I assumed had sided with my ex in the divorce, based on what he told me—and the fact that I hadn’t heard from her since.

She told me how proud she was of me. That she could see I was living my best life. That she envied me.

I was like… what? You have no idea. You’re friends with my ex—don’t you know all the drama? I wouldn’t wish this hell on anyone.

But guess what? She didn’t know any of it. She hadn’t taken sides. She had been going through her own hell. And seeing me show up in the middle of mine—living my life anyway—had encouraged her.

We Don’t Always See Ourselves Clearly

Our perceptions of a situation aren’t always the full story.

I’ve been viewing everything through the lens of a really tough week. But it turns out, what others are seeing is someone who, despite everything, is still finding a way to thrive.

And honestly? When I’m not in the valley and I look at the way the rest of my life has changed—not gonna lie—it is pretty great. I get to do a lot of cool things. Spend time with amazing people. And when I’m looking at those things, I can say: life is pretty darn good.

If You’re in a Valley Today

So today, I hope you’ll find whatever strength you need to see the good that’s happening in your life. Even if it’s just a sliver. Even if it’s hard to believe.

And if you need to take some time to be sad?

That’s really okay, too.