Discernment, not delay
Building a different kind of integrity, with both/and (Part three of the series When the Illusion Breaks)
Content note: This series discusses spiritual abuse/spiritual bypassing, coercion, trauma triggers, divorce stigma, and faith crisis.
Series overview: This series is my attempt to name what happens when a collective revelation cracks open something personal: grief, disillusionment, and the slow work of untangling what helped from what harmed. I’m writing for anyone who feels triggered and re-traumatized by recent conversations about power, abuse, and spiritual authority. If you’re in the “what now,” you aren’t alone. This is part three of the series.
I used to think my fear of harming others meant I wasn’t ready. Now I see it as discernment. And the most important truth I learned was in my body.
It’s also why I am still passionate about the fact that I will eventually launch a program for women (and men, but I’m more called to women). I am learning to listen to my own body’s wisdom, and I want to encourage other women to do the same. I don’t think I need to be fully healed to be helpful, which is why I am sharing here and now. I will keep sharing, I will keep writing, and as people want me to walk alongside them, I’m here.
Which brings me to the other spiritual bypassing I’m still sorting through, and where I began this article. As I moved away from harmful teachings of the church, I read a lot things by “spiritual” teachings by people who are now being called out for abuse in their organizations. I’m working on disentangling myself from a situation where I can see the spiritual bypassing that’s happening, and figuring out where I stand. What do I believe, and why? What is true, and why do I think it is true? While this was about AI, it is true here and everywhere, one of the points I made in a recent edition of the podcast I co-host with my friend Steph, Brave New Bookshelf, is to ask, who benefits from this?
It’s something I’m really conscious of, knowing that I eventually want to coach people, and help them move forward with their lives. Of course I will have a financial benefit from my work. I am worth receiving compensation for my work. However, I do not want money to be my primary motivation. I do not want to be the person spiritually bypassing and gaslighting people into denying their truth.
That’s something I’ve always struggled with. I’ve been told it means I don’t own my own worth, but the more I sit with it, the more I realized that it’s less about my worth, but about being self aware of the fact that I am human, and I am still learning, and I recognize that I can and will make mistakes.
One of the themes I am leaning into for 2026 is this idea of both/and. I can be confident in myself and what I’m doing AND I can recognize that I am human and I don’t know everything.
So, as I mourn the innocence I once had, where I once believed in the integrity and honesty of people I trusted, I can also commit to doing things differently. And, I can forgive the part of me that made those mistakes, giving myself love and compassion.
That’s the message I want to leave you all with. I know you are struggling with the idea of, “what now,” as you find the illusions being shattered around you. You aren’t alone, and you deserve to give yourself compassion, love, and grace for the journey you’ve been on. You are valuable. Your story matters, and you deserve to be heard.
What does “both/and” look like for you right now? Where are you practicing discernment without shutting down your hope?
If you missed the previous posts in the series, you can start here: